Tuesdays Ten: 10 Values I Vow to Instill in My Children Someday

It's 2016, I'm 24 years old, and I am nowhere near married, much less a mother to any children. Sometime ago when I was younger, and perhaps a bit naive, I was fairly certain that I would be raising my first child by now. No matter. Although I have no children of my own, I have worked with many children and I work with many more, constantly. I love working with children. I would not say that it is my sole or even my utmost passion in life, but it is important to me and even beloved by me. One of the reasons why I hold my work with children so dearly is that I appreciate the opportunity that I have to shape children into who they will become. Children are like fresh clay, pure and plain, awaiting hands to shape them. There is so much beauty in the process - perhaps the most mind-blowing facet of that process is that so many hands will mold that clay. So many hands. So many tools. It is incredible to me that I get to watch and be involved in that process. In some cases it is unnerving and in other cases it is inspiring. In every case it is a reminder to me that that someday, God-willing, I will be uniquely responsible for bearing the primary influence over who my children will become. What kind of people will I bring up into this world?

Sometime ago I took some time to consider what are the first and foremost character traits and values that I would like to be sure that I instill in my children. I accidentally published the incomplete draft, and my mom (my number one supporter of this blog, alongside my sister) read it. I removed the draft, but we talked about it some, and she has been encouraging me to complete it since then. Recently, I have come to the point where I feel truly compelled to do so.

I work with children, and this past year has been a particularly trying one in my work life. I've dealt with some difficult children who behave in ways that are inconceivable to me, having been raised the way that I was. As challenging as they are, I do not love them any less than any other children that I work with. I cannot hold a child alone responsible for their behavior. I study their parents - how do they receive information about their child's behavior, how do they interact with their child, etc. Sometimes I find parents that are determined to walk alongside me in the interest of helping their child to be their best selves. Other times I find that parents will choose to stand against me in favor of dismissing, or worse, supporting behaviors in their child that have (unrealized) adverse effects on the child and those around them. I must say that in all honesty, I need an extra dose of patience from God to deal with such parents, because I seem to have reached my limit.

Of course "good behavior" and "bad behavior" are not the sole indicator of who a child will become. Behavior is in fact not so difficult to cure. It is habits that are more difficult to cure, and character that is most difficult to change.

My father has been teaching for 6 or 7 years now. I remember preparing one of his first classrooms years ago. One of the posters we hung had a most striking quote on it:

image via QuoteAddicts

“Watch your thoughts, they become words;
watch your words, they become actions;
watch your actions, they become habits;
watch your habits, they become character;
watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

When I consider that chain of factors, I feel the weight of my responsibility for the children that I work with, and more importantly for the children that I will call my own.

I know that I have said a lot and we still haven't reached that list of values yet, but bear with me - I'm getting there.

The other reason why I find myself contemplating all of this so heavily of late is because, just a few nights ago I kept my tired eyes open to witness the moment when the course for our nation was set for the next 4 years. Every election year is a fork in the road on our country's journey through history. This year we reached a particularly dark fork in the road. Whichever path we took held some level of misfortune, but there was a path that was quite notably filled with dangers, toils, and snares - a path so narrow that it could not accommodate a whole nation of diverse individuals, and so some would be left behind, or worse. I cannot wrap my mind around how it is that our nation came to choose this path. To face this time as an adult is frightening; to face it as a child is even more so. Educators everywhere are now called to calm those fears.

Children are not politicians, and yet they express something like political views - echoes of their parents and the other voices that they hear. I have read of young children chanting "build a wall" and or expressing to other students that they must "go back to [their] country, because Trump said so". I have listened to my own students speaking of such things. One little girl asked me if I liked Mexican food and told me that soon I would no longer be able to have it. Children are repeating hateful things they hear and/or interpreting those things for themselves. Many children are, as one friend of mine said, "being used as extensions of hate." Many more are sad and afraid for themselves or for friends. They can feel the uncertainty and the tension of this place we are in, and it will undoubtedly have some bearing on who they are becoming.

When I consider that, I feel a deepened conviction to raise children and eventual adults with character strong enough to withstand, and more than that, to be a light in such a time as this. I feel a deepened  conviction to help them become champions for the afflicted - men and women who will stand for and fight for what is right. I feel a deepened conviction to bring up into the world leaders who will offer our country far better options when we come to that fork in the road during election season in their time. This is not a post about politics. It is a post about people.

If you have gotten this far in my post, then you have finally reached my list of values. I feel like I should congratulate you for that.

image via imgur

Here are 10 values that I vow to instill in my children someday:

  1. RESPECT & MANNERS
    From a fairly young age I think I recognized the way that people respond to respect and manners. I have never met anyone who objected to being on the receiving end of these. In fact, I have found that people are so much more willing to work with you when you extend these. My parents taught me that these were necessary first and foremost, because every person has value. If I value you simply because you are, then I must respect you. And if I value me, then manners are a must. In my observation, children without manners, and especially those who fail to show respect, simply have not been taught to value others. My children will see in my interactions and know from my teaching that every person is to be valued, and therefore respected, even those we disagree with.

  2. A STRONG WORK ETHIC
    I hope to be able to give my children everything that they could ever want. However, I do not want them to grow up with an improper sense of entitlement. I want them to know that in a country like ours, they are entitled to every good thing detailed in the preamble of our constitution. More importantly, I want them to know that as sons and daughters of our God, they are entitled to every wonderful thing that God promises. While living in the empowering awareness of these entitlements, I want them to understand that every other good desire they could have, tangible or intangible, is something that they ought to work for. I want them to be hard workers, who give 100% in every undertaking. I want for them not to resent the work they will do one day - from household chores to first jobs, and eventual careers or family obligations. I want them to appreciate the worth of the work - to understand that the result of the work is inherently more valuable, because of the work. I will model that work ethic for them, and with all the love in the world, require it from them.

  3. CONFIDENCE & HUMILITY
    One might look at those two words side by side, and puzzle at how they could possibly work together. I believe that confidence and humility actually go hand in hand. In fact, I might even go as far as to say that true confidence yields humility. When you are truly confident you do not have the need to hold yourself above others and you can be comfortable with your awareness of your imperfections. Both confidence and humility go back to value. These should be especially present in Christians. If I value myself, especially if I do so as God does, then I realize my value is inherent and not diminished by anything I can or cannot do. If I value others, then I realize that they share the very same inherent value that I have and so I have no place above them. I will make my children's value to me known to them constantly. I will remind them of their value to God, as well as the value of others.

  4. GRATITUDE & GENEROSITY
    I want my children to understand that even those things that we may be entitled to are things that we ought to be thankful for. They will not be ignorant or unaware of the grave reality that not everyone has those things that we have (however trivial they may seem). Therefore, we should be thankful for everything we have and we should do what we can to share our good fortune with those who are less fortunate. I want them to know that God loves a grateful heart and that He asks us to look out for those in need, just as Jesus did in His time on earth. Our family will actively practice gratitude and generosity - thanking God and those He puts in our path for those things we have, bearing grateful spirits, and purposefully giving of our time and resources.

  5. CULTURAL SENSITIVITY & APPRECIATION
    I am the daughter of an immigrant (aren't we all somewhere along the line?) and my children will learn that early on. I don't know where my husband or his family will come from, but I know that we will share great pride in our cultural backgrounds with our children. We will teach them that no race or culture is more valuable or appealing than another, and that every culture is to be celebrated and appreciated. We will not teach a colorblind mantra. Rather we will teach them to recognize that every colorful difference makes the world a more beautiful place. I will teach them that since we value others, we will strive to learn more about them and try those things that are a part of their culture.

  6. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE & KINDNESS
    One of the most endearing things about children, above their innocence even, is their inclination to offer unconditional love and kindness. When a child is very young, they do not know to be selfish yet, but it does not take them terribly long to learn. Before long, they barter friendship for favors, and decide that love is reserved for people who act in accordance with their will. Overtime, maturity in relationships helps us to develop some balance and we learn about the "two-way street", but even that entails a conditional state. I hope to be a model to my children of what unconditional love is. They should see me offering that love and to them, their father, and everyone else they see me interact with. I will teach them that this is the kind of love God offers us and asks us to extend to everyone around us.

  7. INTEGRITY & SINCERITY
    One of the easiest habits children pick up and scarcely fail to notice in adults is a habit of dishonesty. Sometimes it is outright. Most times I think it is more subtle - little white lies, omissions, downplaying of facts. I want my children to understand that dishonesty is unacceptable, and even more so, I want them to understand why. In those teachable moments where they witness or give in to dishonesty, I will examine with them the cause and effects of dishonesty. I will teach them that we are people of integrity. I will tell them, as my father told me, that integrity means that you are the same (or an even better) person behind closed doors or in the privacy of your own home, as you are before others. I want them to know that integrity goes hand in hand with sincerity, and that sincerity comes from a place of having the right motives for doing the things that you do and being the person you are.

  8. CONVICTION & BRAVERY
    In many songs and stories I have heard the phrase "if you stand for nothing you will fall for anything". I think there really is something to that. I want my children to stand for something, and for that something, to be the right thing. Therefore, I will teach them what is right. With knowledge of this (and with God in their heart), they will develop their own conviction. Conviction is the the thing that causes one to stand for something - a firm set of beliefs that compel you to act. Bravery is the thing that pushes you to continue to act on your convictions in the face of opposition and adversity. In addition to teaching them what is right, I will show them what it looks like to stand for something and to be brave.

  9. OPTIMISM & REALISM
    I want my children to be able to find a bright side in every situation, and especially in their darkest hours. Optimism is born of hope, and while hope cannot be taught, only given, I can surely let them know that Christ is the source of our hope and show them what optimism looks like. By the same token, I will make my children aware of the simple and difficult realities in life. I will not feed into innocent lies like the existence of Santa or the Tooth Fairy. I will (with discernment) make them aware of the things going on in our society and in the world. I do not want them to grow up believing that the model for optimism is ignorant bliss. Realism is a protection for them against reality, because when the time comes for them to encounter difficult realities, they will not be taken quite so much by surprise or so easily shaken or broken by it. In fact with optimism and realism in their arsenal, they will find they can tackle tough times.

  10. UNSHAKABLE FAITH
    I want my children to rest assured that no matter how uncertain times seem, God is in control. If and when they should fall on hard times in their relationships, their studies, their jobs/careers, their finances, or anything else, I want them to stand firm in their values and be unmoved in their faith. My family has been through many things and we have seen God's grace carry us through over and over again. I cannot give my children faith, but I can build for them memorials as the Lord instructed Joshua to do in Joshua 4. They will know the stories of God's grace from my childhood, and from their father's. We will take time to recognize each story of grace in their own lives.

I realize that I am not  a parent yet and that raising an upstanding child is easier said than done. Nonetheless, I believe that parenting with intention is a step in the right direction, and I know that I have been brought up in such a way that I will certainly do that. I am the product of parents who raised me with the aforementioned character traits and values, so I know that it can be done. I have seen the result of that parenting.

Parenting may not be easy, but good parenting is so very important and worthwhile. I am not perfect. I am still developing and/or aspiring to the above-mentioned character traits and values. My parents were not perfect. As many children do, I have kept a little mental list of things I think that I will do differently with my children. Nonetheless, I turned out to be someone that I am proud of, and I have my parents to thank for that. One day when that responsibility is mine, I hope that I will rise up to meet that challenge with the grace and humility of a Proverbs 31 woman. Until that time (and even past it), I will continue to take care in the role that I play in the lives of other people's children.

I should note that I also realize that good parenting does not guranetee results. I know that ultimately a child has a strong will of their own, and as they grow, so does that will. I have seen surprising individuals come from very good parents. Still, the chances for a child to become what we inadequately describe as a "good person" are so much greater when they come from a home where there was solid parenting with intention. In those cases, the most hopeless-seeming individuals have something to fall back on even when they go astray

If you are already a parent, I want to encourage you in your own journey through raising tomorrow's peacemakers, innovators, and world changers.

This post has been  edited, updated, and reposted - if it seems familiar, that is why. I hope you found any additions to be enlightening. Thanks for checking it out (again).

(Not) About Charlotte

I wish I could say that I cannot believe the state of affairs in Charlotte, North Carolina tonight. I wish I could say that I am not surprised at the fact that just  a couple of months ago I found myself sitting before my laptop preparing to weigh my words and release them into the cyber void where I hope that they might reach even one person and makes some difference. I wish I could say that after tonight, the worst is over, but I cannot say any of these things. The state of affairs in Charlotte tonight was likely to have occurred somewhere in our country amidst all of the tragedy and injustice surrounding ongoing police brutality and questionable decisions that several police officers made regarding black lives. I am weighing in, because silence is not an option in the face of the rightful unrest that compels people to protest. Tonight's protest will not be the last, because our nation's justice system has yet to yield a plan of action that will affect legitimate change in those areas of law that have systematically failed to protect and serve the lives of black (and other minority) Americans.

There really is not much that I can say tonight, much less anything I can say that I have not already said. I do want to say this however. What happened tonight was not (just) about Charlotte. Tonight was about a hurting mass of people in our country who are suffering heartbreak and fear as they watch men, women, and even children being mistreated and killed by those whom they are required to submit to and should have been able to trust. Tonight was about the preposterous notion, or rather, the preposterous reality that in this day and age where the advancement of technology and social media have enabled us to reach a quicker and more accurate conclusion of events as they happen, lawmakers can deny citizens the right to have real access to such video evidence. Tonight was about the fact that those people being affected by these issues have no where and real way to voice their concerns.

When you think about Charlotte tonight, and for the next few short days that it remains "newsworthy", please remember that today's event started out as a peaceful demonstration, and for every participant that chose to make it something else, there were several more who remained peaceful. Please realize that regardless of the moment when the protest got out of hand, and every moment after that, the protest is not the real problem. Our nation is a body and Injustice is a gruesome disease. While injustice is a disease with unpleasant symptoms, crippling effects, and the possibility of being fatal, it is neither terminal, nor incurable. Lawmakers and government officials are the scientists and the doctors who ought to be researching, investing in, and working to find the cure. Those of us who are dying or losing loved ones this disease should not be asked to refrain from showing our support for every person affected by it. Our show of support, our march for a cure - these are not as easily demonstrated as they might be for some other diseases. A black shirt or a black ribbon is not enough. Who is working on the cure for this disease? Who is raising or awareness or allocating funds to help us? We are so hard pressed to find them, and with so little success that it is easy to believe that they don't exist. Imagine how it feels to be led to believe that no one is interested in curing the disease that threatens to take the lives of those you hold dear. It is that near hopelessness and utterly frustrating feeling that drives people to the streets in protest.

Just as you would take part in a walk to cure cancer or an ice bucket challenge to cure ALS, whether it affected your life or not, should you not stand beside those of us who facing the challenges of and losing our loved ones to injustice each day? I do not make this comparison to diminish the gravity of diseases like cancer and ALS, but to help you understand the gravity of the injustice problem. I am not asking you to go out to the streets and protest tonight. Maybe I should be. What I am asking you to do, is to show some understanding at the very least, and not to look down on, or make monsters of those who are doing what little they can to bring about change.

Of course I do not condone any act of violence or needless disrespect during protest (or at any time). I wish that those who would resort to such behavior would reconsider it, since it is counterproductive and hurts others.

I watched tonight's live coverage of the event rather anxiously, fearing that I might see a protester, a police officer, a camera man, or a reporter get shot or otherwise harmed. Having been so anxious behind the screen of my television, I don't know if I can imagine how scary it would be for me stand out in the streets and be a part of it. I have wondered whether it is in fact my duty as a black American and also a Christian to go out and stand beside the men and women who would risk so much to deliver a message that so needs to be heard. I have not figured out whether I ought to or not, but I do know that I ought not to be silent in the midst of all that is transpiring.

This is not the first time in history that people have watched injustice playing out before them and been faced with a decision of whether or not to act. I looked at the words of wise men who had been afflicted by such times and had done their part to make a difference in those times. I was particularly struck by Elie Wiesel's words in his Nobel Acceptance in 1986:

[I] swore never to be silent whenever, wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere. When human lives are endangered, when human dignity is in jeopardy, national borders and sensitivities become irrelevant. Wherever men and women are persecuted because of their race, religion, or political views, that place must - at that moment - become the center of the universe.
— Elie Wiesel

He went on to speak about how he as a Jew, was particularly sympathetic to issues that affected Jewish people, but recognized and sympathized with every people affected by injustice and suffering. I want to echo his sentiments as a black woman in a time like ours. I am of course particularly struck by the injustice facing black Americans in our nation, but today on a day that I woke up inspired by and prepared to celebrate in some small way an International Day of Peace, I am reminded of the need for prayer for every individual afflicted by suffering and injustice - not just here at home, where I can feel the effects, but around the world, where men, women, and children are dying unnecessary deaths and suffering from conditions that more fortunate people have the power to improve.  Though I leave today just a little more discouraged than when the day began. I pray that God grants me the wisdom and the opportunity to enter every tomorrow more determined and able to do my part to change these things.

Close to Home

If you are choosing to read this post, I would encourage you to read it from beginning to end, lest you turn away believing that I believe anything less than all of the things that I believe pertaining to the matters that I intend to address.

Last  Thursday night in Dallas, a national discussion  became something more - a living breathing problem with tangible and measurable effects. It's one thing to talk about news elsewhere and another thing entirely to watch it unfold in your own backyard. It is not everyone who lives in a state of fearful awareness of all the hatred, injustice, and the dangers that exist outside their doors. We know it's out there in the world, but oftentimes we subconsciously rest assured that we will not be the target of these things. Dallas is suddenly very much aware of it, because it has now struck too close to home.

The interesting thing about this newfound awareness, is that many will remain unaffected still. The men who were targeted in Thursday's tragedy represent a limited demographic in Dallas - (white) police officers. Of course that means that not only the officers have to be concerned with this added danger to their lives, but also their many loved ones.

There is another population in Dallas who lives in that hyper state of awareness - black Americans, especially black American men. Black Americans did not need to see a national news event in their hometown to know how real and present their danger is, no matter where they are in the United States. Long before these last couple of years, when the names of young black American boys and men started making headlines in troubling stories of police brutality, we have experienced and been trained to be equipped for dealing with the systematic injustice towards black Americans that runs rampant in U.S. law enforcement.

From a young age many black children are taught how deal with law enforcement, especially white officers. We are taught to comply first and ask questions later, address officers with noteworthy respect - "yes sir" and "yes ma'am", even if they choose to address you without any respect at all, and to be mindful to say as little as possible, even when asked a question. We are taught that the youthful errors of a young white person, much less the other crimes, have graver consequences for a young black person. We are taught that perception is flawed and misguided, and that it has the potential to cause us harm when we have not done anything wrong. In short we are taught to remain fearfully aware and to act accordingly.

Because I am black, this issue of hatred, injustice, and the resulting danger has always been quite close to home. I can remember being watched by store managers and security guards when I went shopping - and I'm a girl - the problem is far worse for black boys. When we were in high school, my brother Uriah was pulled over by an officer while riding his bike - RIDING HIS BIKE! The questioning officer claimed that Uriah looked like a suspect that they were looking for at the time. I doubted the truth of that claim, but if I were to give him the benefit of the doubt, I would have to believe that he thought all black people looked the same. Of course the more likely story was that he could make that claim to pull over any black male and hope to find a reason to ticket him or take him in. Perhaps you read that and think that I must be paranoid. If that is the case, chances are that you simply do not understand, because you have not experienced that racism.  I would encourage you to read this Huffington Post article on "white fragility".

My brother Uriah, myself, and my brother Isaiah some odd years ago when I was in high school. I think of their safety more and more with each passing occurrence of police brutality that is reported.

I have watched over the past couple of days as folks I know in Dallas (and elsewhere) share their position on all that is going on. Many people took to their social media pages right away and said what seemed to be the first things that came to their minds. Insightful and encouraging things were said. There were also not-so-insightful and less encouraging things said. The way people respond in the face of tragedy may show you a very different side of them.

A number of people felt that need to say that police lives matter or that all lives matter. I do not disagree with either of these statements, but I do find it disappointing to see how many people still do not understand what is meant by #BlackLivesMatter. When we say that black lives matter, we are saying that black lives matter too. The unspoken "too" says that black lives matter as much as all other lives. The worth of other lives, especially the lives of (white) law enforcement officers is rarely called into question or treated in such a way that one would question it.

The officers who were killed on Thursday have been and will continue to be remembered in an honorable light. We'll remember the best of them and likely know nothing at all of their flaws as human beings. Hundreds of people have already done what they can to pay their respects to these men. Their families cannot recover the loss of their loved ones, but they will have these comforts and their dignity before a watchful nation. This is just as it should be, because every one of those lives that were taken had value.

Let us now consider the lives of the two men who had just two days before been murdered unjustly. The media had to report the stories and so they did. But the media went further than that, as it often does in the case of black men who die at the hands of unjust officers. Within 24 hours the media questioned whether or not the murders were actually unjust. Within 48 hours the media dug up the past transgressions of these men who had died for reasons entirely unrelated to those transgressions. Outside of the BLM movement, there will be no national outpouring of support for the families who lost these men. The families will not get that dignity as they lay their loved ones to rest. Furthermore, they will be quickly forgotten, as the nation moves on to whatever the next big story may be. Their deaths and the injustice they suffered were in fact overshadowed by the tragedy that took place in Dallas. Were the lives of Alton Sterling and Philando Castile not valuable as well?

Now I understand that one significant difference between the officers and the civilians was that the officers died in the line of duty, which is of course commendable. However, that does not make the officers lives more valuable than that of the civilians who were killed.

In the wake of these recent events that have taken place, it is astounding to see how many people are still failing to see what the problem is. Police officers are being vilified by black Americans. Black Americans and BLM supporters are being vilified by white Americans. Neither of these institutions is inherently bad, and to be in support of one is not to declare war against another. You can in fact support both, as Trevor Noah so appropriately conveyed in his video addressing the shootings of Sterling and Castile. The problem that we are facing is an issue of injustice.

One key difference between the two aforementioned institutions is that only one of them is directly linked to a systematic problem of injustice. This is not to say that all officers are unjust, but that the institution they are a part of does in fact have a problem of injustice that remains to be solved.

Another key difference between the two is their common perceptions and misconceptions. The reason why police brutality can thrive in a country that prides itself on justice is because so many people, particularly those with the power to change it, are either turning a blind eye to the problem or somehow in complete denial. Worse yet, some may even be encouraging it. With evidence and facts that are quite plain to see, people are still trying to deny, downplay, excuse, and maybe worst of all, justify the unjust murders of black civilians and the systematic problem of prejudice and racism in our law enforcement system. The inability to perceive the reality of this problem keeps it very much alive.

As for the BLM movement, people are quick to perceive them as "anti-white", simply because they are "pro-black". The fact that these terms even exists indicates a serious problem with race in our country. People also assume that BLM supporters hate police officers. The fact that BLM supporters condemn the actions of officers who commit wrongful acts against black Americans does not mean that that they hate all officers. Many people do not know that  their position expands beyond police brutality into other  systematic racial issues in our country. The lack of interest in perceiving BLM activists and supporters accurately makes it that much more challenging for the movement to be successful.

I've said a lot and still it's not enough. Whether you know me or not, I appreciate that you've taken the time thus far to read my thoughts. If you know me at all, I hope that you'll try to truly consider and understand my thoughts. And if you love me at all, I hope that you will act in such a way that I know these thoughts meant something to you.

Here are some things that I'd really like you to consider and act upon.

  • Every life has equal inherent value and every person should be treated accordingly. It is not okay for anyone to unjustly or needlessly murder a civilian or a police officer. And in the event that a man's life is taken, it is our duty to mourn with those who mourn, not to dredge up the regrettable moments of their past or to diminish the loss of those they leave behind.

  • In a nation that has come through decades of necessary reform, we still have a long way to go, and the only chance we have of reaching the full measure of the very notion of justice that our country was founded on, is to admit what is truth, discuss it with candor, and act to improve what is broken.

  • We are not too small as individuals to make a difference. We can begin by choosing to give up preconceived notions and misconceptions. We can choose to have conversations that help us to perceive one another's reality.

  • Cliche as it may sound - love one another. As a Christian, I am called to love everyone, and whether or not you share my faith, I think we can agree that humanity is better off when we abide by that simple call to love.

I want to end by extending my condolences to the families of the aforementioned civilians and officers who died, as well as those whose related deaths followed Thursday night's events. It is painful to lose your loved one, and more terrible still to lose them at the hand of a fearful or hateful stranger. To the officers who put their lives on the line to protect us everyday, I thank you for your service and pray for your safety. To every black man, woman, and child, I pray for your safety as well, and for grace from God to walk in such a way that no one might question your innocence or your strength.

Some Reflection on loss and life

There comes a time in each of our lives when we must face the pain of loss and the reality of death. Until recently, I had only glimpsed that experience in the lives of others, and even come close to it in my own family, but not truly encountered it. This past memorial day weekend however, my grandfather passed away, and so my turn to really experience loss of my own had come.

My grandfather when he came to visit us in Texas a few years ago.

My grandfather would have been 80 years old this July. Nearly 80 years on this earth is a pretty good amount of time, but no amount of time ever really seems long enough. As it so happens, this last year and half proved to be a year and  a half longer than we expected to have him with us. He had been ill for sometime and in the winter of 2014, doctors had determined that he likely had only 6 months to a year left. In the extended period of time that he managed to outlive that prognosis, he went through quite a lot of pain and suffering, slowly withering away in his hospital bed. He held onto his faith, as he was an ardent believer, but I know he also looked forward to an end in his suffering. I believe that he was ready to go, and so while his passing hurt me, I knew that it was a blessing for him.

My Uncle Jimmy asked me how I felt after the funeral and I shared with him that sitting in the room with the open casket and the body throughout the service was like an out-of-body experience for me - so surreal. I process grief in my own way and that too made me feel like an outsider in the midst of family and friends whose grief was more apparent, while I was just so . . . composed.

We discussed more aspects of loss and grief and my Uncle Jimmy raised the point that a funeral for Christians differs from others, because we have not just the hope, but the certainty of knowing that those we have lost are in a better place - the best place as a matter of fact. So while we mourn the loss of those we lose, and oftentimes the circumstances under which we lost them, we also celebrate what many believers refer to as their home-going.

Of course that hope does not take away the pain of waking up to a world where you no longer see or hear or hold them every day.

This week a dear friend of mine lost her little boy, Will. She brought him into the ER with stomach pains and had to leave the hospital without him the next day. Will was only 4 years old. When I came upon the news, I had to sit down. It was shocking and painful and it felt so unfair. I cried for these reasons and for the pure sadness of it all. That was how I felt, and I had not even known him really. I could hardly imagine how she was feeling. I think of her having to lay him to rest and say her goodbyes soon and everything going on around me seems insignificant.

So within the past two weeks I find myself trying to process these two partings from the world, and I wake up this morning to the news that a 22 year old girl was shot and killed. Christina Grimme gets murdered at her own meet-and-greet and the murderer takes his own life as well. Where is the sense in that? A happy, healthy girl who was bringing joy to so many people is now gone from this world, not because of some uncontrollable illness, but because someone who had no right whatsoever decided to end her life.

I think about her family, who is surely hurting from this loss and also having to share that loss, which is typically reserved for family and friends, with all of her fans. I think about the man who took her life and his. He too had a family and presumably friends, who despite the actions that he took in his final hour, loved him and will miss him. His family will have to bear the weight of the public's perception of a man who was to them simply son or brother or friend, maybe even husband or father, as they are mourning.

As grim or cliche as it may seem, I also think of all the people who die each day without my notice. When you lose someone your world operates in its own realm of time - in slow-motion, or on pause, or stopped altogether. In the meantime, the unknowing world around you continues to move along at its increasingly rapid speed.

It's been 2 weeks since I laid my grandfather to rest, and already I am back on the world's time. You have to go back to work or school or whatever it is you do with your time on a daily basis. And you can't stop living. But maybe, just maybe you can slow down.

As I look around and see for just a moment how much pain and loss there is to be dealt with, it occurs to me that I don't make enough time to do the things that matter. I do not say "I love you" enough or check in on friends and family enough. I don't spend enough time with the people I love and have the good fortune to have near me.

I do not want to find that I waited until someone was no longer here with me to bring them flowers and sing them songs and tell them all the things that I loved about them. I don't want to wait until they cannot be here with me to celebrate their lives and their character or their gifts, which we will later refer to as their legacy.

My grandfather's legacy is his faith and his ministry. Little Will's legacy seems to be the joy that he had and brought to others. Christina Grimmie's legacy seems to be her kindness, her sincerity, and of course her music. Though we might ache a little when we remember them and cannot hold them, we'll forever be blessed by their legacies and our memories of them, and we can take comfort in that. More importantly, we can take comfort in the fact that these were believers and so they are at home in heaven, where someday those of us who believe as they did will join them.

Until that time comes for me, I hope that I will have the wherewithal to make the most of my time here - to live in such a way that I can offer to others the hope of heaven that I have. I hope to strengthen my faith, so that I can be privy to the peace that God offers in times like these, and share that with others as well. I hope that I will find and/or make the time to spend with family and friends and to celebrate them regularly. I want to give my flowers and my songs and all my love today, while they are still with me and I am still here. I don't know how long it will be before I see them in heaven, but I thank God that I will, and I intend to make the most of my time here until I do.