I am almost afraid to write about this, lest anyone think any less of me. I have confessed to a number of shortcomings on my blog. Perhaps I feel like I can because I know that as of right now, I do not have many readers.
So, here goes.
Recently, I have been taking less nonsense than I have ever rejected in my entire life. I am standing up for myself boldly and confidently. That might seem insignificant if you do not know me, and surprising (or confusing) if you do know me. My parents raised me to stand up for myself and to stand up for others. They taught me how to articulate and be respectful while addressing anyone who might contend with me. They showed me by example how to consider every position and assert myself while remaining fair to whomever might not share my position. Contenders and opposition are not synonymous with wrongdoing, but in the case of wrongdoing, these are all skills that should serve me well, and in many cases they have (not just on the speech & debate team in high school). I have always been one to speak my mind (sometimes anonymously and other times, quite freely). Every now and then when people would try to intimidate me or otherwise expect me to cave in, they would find that I can be unmoving when I am right. And I am often right, or at least I often think that I am right.
However, my parents also raised me to defer to others, perhaps to a fault. They taught me how to put other’s needs before my own, in as much I can. They taught me how to constantly consider others around me, even strangers. They taught me to have enough humility to bite my tongue, even when I might be right. They taught me to be accountable enough to admit when I am wrong. They taught me to speak gently with my elders and with authority figures. And most importantly (and frustratingly), they taught me to turn the other cheek.
I have always found this is one of the most challenging things that God asks us to do. As a Christian, I have certainly turned the other cheek many times, and many times more as a young woman, and even more times as a black American. At some point it occurred to me that my cheeks were really quite sore, and that perhaps I was misinterpreting exactly what was meant by “turn the other cheek”. I decided then that God said to turn the other cheek, but not to stick my head in the sand - those were two different things. In fact, there were many times when leaders in the Bible did in fact bravely stand up not only for Jesus, but even for themselves. There are also situations in the Bible where God instructs us to “get mad” (maybe not in those words). My view on this may be a bit skewed or misguided, because I have allowed people to walk all over me for so long. I feel as though I have stood up for others more firmly than I have for myself. And while I would not be so misguided as to think that I could boast of righteous anger, much less justify every moment when I simply refused to turn the other cheek (because there are times I know in my heart that God would have wanted me to let things go), I do know that God values me and he desires for me to value myself as well. So while I must work on figuring out and living out whatever is meant by “turn the other cheek”, I do believe that I am allowed to stand up for myself in every way. I’ll need soooo much of His grace to know when I am not choosing my battles wisely, and even more of His grace to let them go. Likewise, I want to lean on His strength in me to stand up for myself, even when it is uncomfortable or difficult in some way.
I have been writing letters and having conversations in which I am asking for the things that I need and the things that I want, and to be quite frank, the things that I feel I have earned. I have been saying “no” more and more, despite people’s shock and the things that they might say. I have been calling people out when they have been so devious as to do wrong and then act as though they are unaware or even innocent of their wrongdoings. I am on a roll, and there is some part of me that says, if all this is wrong, then I don’t ever want to be right. I do not believe that it is, but I will have to ask God to show me where the line is between turning the other cheek and living in the light of His love, which allows me to see that I am valuable enough to stand for, just as I was valuable enough to die for even before I was born.