Observed Loss and what to do with it

I am laying in bed writing a blog post at a less-than-ideal hour, and I am struck by the sense of urgency I feel to do so. There are so many wonderful little moments happening in my life right now. I want to write about them, relish them, and relive them. At some point, hopefully soon, I will, but right now I feel pressed about something just a little less cheerful.

This morning I am compelled to reflect again on loss. I remain fortunate in that I have rarely experienced it in a personal way, and those who are dearest to me are still living and breathing for now. However, in the past couple of months and especially in the last couple of weeks, everywhere I turn I seem to be served with a reminder of how easily that could change. This might sound kind of crazy, but during a week when I had had just about as much crazy personal drama as I could, my trusty television shows seem to be betraying me.  It was as though George R. R. Martin had invited the writers of all the shows I watch to a conference where they held a discussion about how to kill off my favorite characters.

On a more serious note, people around me seemed to be passing away all at once. Earlier this year a teacher I knew lost her son who had gone to school with my siblings. Just a few weeks ago a family lost their child/sister, who attended the school where I work. More recently a family friend and her children lost their mother/grandmother, and an acquaintance of mine from high school lost her fiance who also attended high school with us. The circumstances under which each of these lives came to an end were each very different. There were those whose passing came with some small warning, expectation, and/or a fight and there were those whose passing came suddenly with no warning at all.

Each time these passings came to be I was struck by this odd feeling. It is a strange phenomenon that has likely grown to be more common or profound with the emergence of social media, and especially Facebook. Even though I had not known these people well, or at all in some cases, I was so aware of the loss of them. I felt it more deeply than I expected to and then I felt guilty as though the loss was not mine to feel. I find myself in this position time and time again, and I don’t know what to do about it. Do I even have the right to offer my condolences? Is it wrong of me to feel so sad about someone I hardly knew? In the midst of their terrible loss, how can I be there for someone I rarely speak to, much less a complete stranger? Should I simply remain an oddly sad bystander instead?

I want to write about some great insight I have concerning all of these questions, but honestly, I don’t have any. I only know these things:

As a Christian, I don’t believe that being a bystander is ever the right choice. The Bible instructs us in Romans 12 to mourn with those who mourn. Therefore, aside from praying for the people that are left behind when someone passes away, I need to pray for God’s guidance concerning how to support those who are grieving loss.

Part of the reason that I struggle to know how I can comfort those who are grieving is because of a lack of connection, and maybe a certain lack of love. It is not deliberate of course - it just so happens that I am an imperfect Christian, and an even more imperfect human being, so there are times when I have failed to maintain or foster relationships as I could have, and even worse when I have simply not been my best self. There are times when I have not loved in the way that God has instructed me to love. Romans 12  (and countless other passages in the Bible) gives instructions on how to do that. I feel as though I am being reminded that I should make it my mission to commit that to memory and then to heart.

Every loss is a reminder to cherish what we have. First and foremost that is to cherish who we have in our lives - family and friends, and such, and also every person we still have a chance to get to know today. Then, of course, there is the air in our lungs and each day that we wake up to a new chance to live, to adventure, to experience the little moments that become our fondest memories.

It is so easy to take things for granted. I got on a plane a few days ago, and as I looked out over the clouds in the sky and the tiny tiny buildings below me, It occurred to me how instantly things could go terribly wrong. What if I found myself crashing or burning through that beautiful sky with nothing to hold onto? What would my last thoughts be? What would my last words to my brothers and my sisters, and my mother and my father have been? In that moment where they say your life flashes before your eyes, what would I have seen?

I am fortunate to have had a safe flight, and so I have the luxury of pondering those what-ifs and thinking to myself at this moment, that I imagine I would have wanted to do more with my life. Since I am still living, I would ask God to grant me the foresight and the opportunity to know what more it is that I ought to do, and I would urge myself and others to learn how to love better and when the unfortunate time comes, how to comfort better.

Stand & Love

We have entered quite a scary chapter in American History. I do not need to go too far into politics to elaborate on what it is I mean by that. There is nothing to be gained by wondering how it is that we came to let the man who currently occupies the Oval Office get to be in that office. What's done is done, and he is moving forward with his intentions now, so as for you and I, we must stand. Stand for what is good and what is right, and stand up for those who have been made to feel as though they are standing alone in a very dark hour. Above all, stand for love. More than protesting, let us pray. More than marching, walk alongside your fellow woman and your fellow man in everyday life. Let your words and your actions show love.

When I think of all the beautiful people I have encountered in my life, people with roots, family, and heritages from all over the world, I am so grateful for the way God made each of one them and for the opportunity that He granted me to know them. I am in awe of a Creator who thought to make so many shades of people with the same color blood running through their veins, people who speak so many languages to express the same love and occupy so many lands on the very same earth. He created each of us with all these diverse and beautiful details, which we commonly refer to as differences, and loves us all the same. As a believer, I know that I too am called to love us all the same. I do not find that so difficult to do, and I am still too often astonished at how others do.

To those of you beautiful people presently affected directly or indirectly by the new circumstances our President has brought about, please know that I stand with you, and welcome you with open arms into my country. I welcome you into my school and my church, and my home. I welcome you with your lovely traditions and culture. I welcome all the things that you could teach me and share with me. I welcome you as you are and I welcome the way that God can allow us to help one another to be better fellow human beings. I hope and pray for your safety here and abroad.

If you somehow find that you remain largely unaffected by everything that is going on, please try to imagine how you might feel if the roles were reversed. Imagine if you left your country one day and could not return the next, simply because you were visiting the wrong place at the wrong time. Imagine if you were seeking refuge and found that you were turned away because of your race or your religion. Imagine if you were prepared to uproot your life and pledge your allegiance to a country that suddenly denied you entry simply because of your place of birth. Imagine if you felt like your President hated you because of your race or your faith.

To those of you who profess to share my faith, and somehow find it acceptable to turn away men and women seeking shelter in this land that God has blessed us to live in, I urge you to reconsider your position. God asks us to love our neighbors as ourselves and reminds us to see Him in every man, woman, and child. Perhaps you believe that the measures our President is taking are in the interest of our safety. I would be so bold as to ask you whether or not you really trust God. I do not have enough wisdom or Biblical knowledge to say that God asks us to open our arms even at the expense of our safety, but I can say with confidence that the Bible shows us time and time again that God asked his people to risk their lives and even the lives of their loved ones and trust him and obey him still. Jesus dying on the cross is the epitome of that trust and obedience. This is easier said than done, but we ought to ask God to strengthen our faith to the point that if the time should ever come, we would be able to demonstrate that trust.

To those of you who are out protesting and marching, I hope that you remember to do it in the right way so that no one might discredit your cause or your voice. To those of you like me, who have yet to protest or march, or take actions such as these, but are in fact equally invested in seeing change come about, know that you are not alone, and that if your quiet words and actions impact just one person, you have in fact made a difference, so keep it up. To everyone of us doing our part to make sure that every member of the human race is treated with kindness and dignity and every other type of goodness that we can extend to one another, please do not lose courage.

Close to Home

If you are choosing to read this post, I would encourage you to read it from beginning to end, lest you turn away believing that I believe anything less than all of the things that I believe pertaining to the matters that I intend to address.

Last  Thursday night in Dallas, a national discussion  became something more - a living breathing problem with tangible and measurable effects. It's one thing to talk about news elsewhere and another thing entirely to watch it unfold in your own backyard. It is not everyone who lives in a state of fearful awareness of all the hatred, injustice, and the dangers that exist outside their doors. We know it's out there in the world, but oftentimes we subconsciously rest assured that we will not be the target of these things. Dallas is suddenly very much aware of it, because it has now struck too close to home.

The interesting thing about this newfound awareness, is that many will remain unaffected still. The men who were targeted in Thursday's tragedy represent a limited demographic in Dallas - (white) police officers. Of course that means that not only the officers have to be concerned with this added danger to their lives, but also their many loved ones.

There is another population in Dallas who lives in that hyper state of awareness - black Americans, especially black American men. Black Americans did not need to see a national news event in their hometown to know how real and present their danger is, no matter where they are in the United States. Long before these last couple of years, when the names of young black American boys and men started making headlines in troubling stories of police brutality, we have experienced and been trained to be equipped for dealing with the systematic injustice towards black Americans that runs rampant in U.S. law enforcement.

From a young age many black children are taught how deal with law enforcement, especially white officers. We are taught to comply first and ask questions later, address officers with noteworthy respect - "yes sir" and "yes ma'am", even if they choose to address you without any respect at all, and to be mindful to say as little as possible, even when asked a question. We are taught that the youthful errors of a young white person, much less the other crimes, have graver consequences for a young black person. We are taught that perception is flawed and misguided, and that it has the potential to cause us harm when we have not done anything wrong. In short we are taught to remain fearfully aware and to act accordingly.

Because I am black, this issue of hatred, injustice, and the resulting danger has always been quite close to home. I can remember being watched by store managers and security guards when I went shopping - and I'm a girl - the problem is far worse for black boys. When we were in high school, my brother Uriah was pulled over by an officer while riding his bike - RIDING HIS BIKE! The questioning officer claimed that Uriah looked like a suspect that they were looking for at the time. I doubted the truth of that claim, but if I were to give him the benefit of the doubt, I would have to believe that he thought all black people looked the same. Of course the more likely story was that he could make that claim to pull over any black male and hope to find a reason to ticket him or take him in. Perhaps you read that and think that I must be paranoid. If that is the case, chances are that you simply do not understand, because you have not experienced that racism.  I would encourage you to read this Huffington Post article on "white fragility".

My brother Uriah, myself, and my brother Isaiah some odd years ago when I was in high school. I think of their safety more and more with each passing occurrence of police brutality that is reported.

I have watched over the past couple of days as folks I know in Dallas (and elsewhere) share their position on all that is going on. Many people took to their social media pages right away and said what seemed to be the first things that came to their minds. Insightful and encouraging things were said. There were also not-so-insightful and less encouraging things said. The way people respond in the face of tragedy may show you a very different side of them.

A number of people felt that need to say that police lives matter or that all lives matter. I do not disagree with either of these statements, but I do find it disappointing to see how many people still do not understand what is meant by #BlackLivesMatter. When we say that black lives matter, we are saying that black lives matter too. The unspoken "too" says that black lives matter as much as all other lives. The worth of other lives, especially the lives of (white) law enforcement officers is rarely called into question or treated in such a way that one would question it.

The officers who were killed on Thursday have been and will continue to be remembered in an honorable light. We'll remember the best of them and likely know nothing at all of their flaws as human beings. Hundreds of people have already done what they can to pay their respects to these men. Their families cannot recover the loss of their loved ones, but they will have these comforts and their dignity before a watchful nation. This is just as it should be, because every one of those lives that were taken had value.

Let us now consider the lives of the two men who had just two days before been murdered unjustly. The media had to report the stories and so they did. But the media went further than that, as it often does in the case of black men who die at the hands of unjust officers. Within 24 hours the media questioned whether or not the murders were actually unjust. Within 48 hours the media dug up the past transgressions of these men who had died for reasons entirely unrelated to those transgressions. Outside of the BLM movement, there will be no national outpouring of support for the families who lost these men. The families will not get that dignity as they lay their loved ones to rest. Furthermore, they will be quickly forgotten, as the nation moves on to whatever the next big story may be. Their deaths and the injustice they suffered were in fact overshadowed by the tragedy that took place in Dallas. Were the lives of Alton Sterling and Philando Castile not valuable as well?

Now I understand that one significant difference between the officers and the civilians was that the officers died in the line of duty, which is of course commendable. However, that does not make the officers lives more valuable than that of the civilians who were killed.

In the wake of these recent events that have taken place, it is astounding to see how many people are still failing to see what the problem is. Police officers are being vilified by black Americans. Black Americans and BLM supporters are being vilified by white Americans. Neither of these institutions is inherently bad, and to be in support of one is not to declare war against another. You can in fact support both, as Trevor Noah so appropriately conveyed in his video addressing the shootings of Sterling and Castile. The problem that we are facing is an issue of injustice.

One key difference between the two aforementioned institutions is that only one of them is directly linked to a systematic problem of injustice. This is not to say that all officers are unjust, but that the institution they are a part of does in fact have a problem of injustice that remains to be solved.

Another key difference between the two is their common perceptions and misconceptions. The reason why police brutality can thrive in a country that prides itself on justice is because so many people, particularly those with the power to change it, are either turning a blind eye to the problem or somehow in complete denial. Worse yet, some may even be encouraging it. With evidence and facts that are quite plain to see, people are still trying to deny, downplay, excuse, and maybe worst of all, justify the unjust murders of black civilians and the systematic problem of prejudice and racism in our law enforcement system. The inability to perceive the reality of this problem keeps it very much alive.

As for the BLM movement, people are quick to perceive them as "anti-white", simply because they are "pro-black". The fact that these terms even exists indicates a serious problem with race in our country. People also assume that BLM supporters hate police officers. The fact that BLM supporters condemn the actions of officers who commit wrongful acts against black Americans does not mean that that they hate all officers. Many people do not know that  their position expands beyond police brutality into other  systematic racial issues in our country. The lack of interest in perceiving BLM activists and supporters accurately makes it that much more challenging for the movement to be successful.

I've said a lot and still it's not enough. Whether you know me or not, I appreciate that you've taken the time thus far to read my thoughts. If you know me at all, I hope that you'll try to truly consider and understand my thoughts. And if you love me at all, I hope that you will act in such a way that I know these thoughts meant something to you.

Here are some things that I'd really like you to consider and act upon.

• Every life has equal inherent value and every person should be treated accordingly. It is not okay for anyone to unjustly or needlessly murder a civilian or a police officer. And in the event that a man's life is taken, it is our duty to mourn with those who mourn, not to dredge up the regrettable moments of their past or to diminish the loss of those they leave behind.
  

• In a nation that has come through decades of necessary reform, we still have a long way to go, and the only chance we have of reaching the full measure of the very notion of justice that our country was founded on, is to admit what is truth, discuss it with candor, and act to improve what is broken.
  

• We are not too small as individuals to make a difference. We can begin by choosing to give up preconceived notions and misconceptions. We can choose to have conversations that help us to perceive one another's reality.
  

• Cliche as it may sound - love one another. As a Christian, I am called to love everyone, and whether or not you share my faith, I think we can agree that humanity is better off when we abide by that simple call to love.

I want to end by extending my condolences to the families of the aforementioned civilians and officers who died, as well as those whose related deaths followed Thursday night's events. It is painful to lose your loved one, and more terrible still to lose them at the hand of a fearful or hateful stranger. To the officers who put their lives on the line to protect us everyday, I thank you for your service and pray for your safety. To every black man, woman, and child, I pray for your safety as well, and for grace from God to walk in such a way that no one might question your innocence or your strength.