This is not a post containing New Years' optimistic cliches about fresh starts and positive changes that we can make in the coming year. Forget that - well, for a minute anyway. In my experience thus far, those January hopes and dreams that I ring in with the new year seem to wither and die before the year is half over. Of course I could work up my resolve and be diligent enough to carry out the plans I make at the onset of a beautiful bright new year. I could do my best to keep my annually renewed dreams in tact, shiny and not tarnished by the darker days that will surely be ahead with as much familiarity as the glorious sun-shining days. I just know that no year is without it's hard times and that the second wind we seem to catch on the first of every year rarely carries us all the way through the whole year. I'm not pessimistic, just realistic (well there's a cliche for you).
In that spirit of realism, I commit to this single resolution for the new year: I will let less of my words be unspoken and I will strive to know people more.
I wrapped up the end of the year cleaning my room - the literal nature and the symbolism of that are so much deeper than you know. In the process of doing so, I came across so many letters/cards/notes that I had written and/or started writing to others, and I was struck by the number of thoughts I had on those sheets of paper which had remained with me rather than going to those whom they were intended for. Those letters were a physical manifestation of even more thoughts inside of me that I had kept to myself which would have been better spent if they were shared.
One of the letters I had written was to the sister of a young man who had passed away this past summer. He had been friends with my sister and especially my brother brother in high school, and we had in fact lived across the street from him for a period of time. I knew of him more than I knew him and it never occurred to me what a shame that was until his passing. He was a beautiful loving soul from what I hear and I will never know more than that. This haunting thought was more of a regret than the letter that I had failed to give to his sister. It is with that bit of heaviness in my heart that I decided to make it my mission to know people better.
I think mine is a large enough resolution to try to carry out over the coming year and I do hope that I will. "Smaller" hopes (which I will not yet call resolutions as my determination does not seem high enough yet) include getting in shape and loosing weight this year, improving my situation in school this semester (that's a whole story in it self), strengthening my current relationships, and getting more deeply rooted in my faith.
As I enter the new year with my realism and my hopes, I also look back on a year in my life that has been unlike any other and I celebrate the person that I have remained - that is of course the best of me, and not the worst, rather than the person that I have yet to become. There is something to be said for remaining true to who you are every year, even as you strive to be a better person, especially in worse times. It is with that sentiment in mind, as well as the recollection of the past year that I have had, that I wrote this short song, titled "Year's End Toast".