I grew up in a rather proper household with manners for miles and all sorts of norms that we did not seem to share with our peers. One aspect of that involved a seemingly endless list of things that we didn’t talk about outside of our immediate family and another equally long list of things we didn’t talk about at all. Likewise, there was a certain formality to the way we interacted with others and at home. We weren’t in the business of ruffling feathers or making a fuss, yet, I was taught to stand up for myself and for others, to really analyze people and situations, and to to be honest in all things. We did not like to disagree with one another, yet we encouraged debate. All this made for a sort of paradoxical existence. On the one hand, I was prepared to be an open book, and on the other, I was hesitant to say anything at all. I knew that my words would give me away or maybe offend people, and so I had to be very careful with them. I wanted to protect my image, my relationships, and my future.
At some point, before I even became aware of it, that thing inside of me that was holding me back loosened up just a bit. I can’t tell you when that began or why, but I know that it was and continues to be a gradual process. I became aware of it within the past couple of years as I began learning how to be known and loved.
I have been discovering the great merit of a candid conversation. A candid conversation makes way for learning, understanding, and growth.
So much of what lies at the root of the issues that exist between people as individuals and within larger contexts has to do with a lack of understanding. There are things people simply do not know and other things that they cannot understand on their own. A healthy candid conversation leaves room for the participants to ask and answer questions without fear of judgment or retribution. The participants must enter into it with an understanding that there is no malicious intent in what is being said, and that the conversation is driven by a desire to understand (and love) each other better. The participants must also enter into the conversation knowing that it may be a little uncomfortable and that each of them will allow grace for that. As questions are asked an answered, each participant brings not only knowledge but more importantly, their unique experiences to the table. Those unique experiences have the potential to add immeasurable value. I have seen this done well at times, on a show called Red Table Talk.
An added bonus of candid conversation is that beyond allowing us to understand our differences, it can reveal to us just how much we have in common, and in doing so, it can help to form or strengthen relationships.
I have had a few candid conversations myself recently and it amazes me to see the ways in which those conversations are helping me and others to grow. These conversations have helped me to grow in my understanding of each participant’s respective background and experiences, and how those have impacted our world views or informed our actions. They have helped me to grow in my relationships, and in my pursuit of loving all people better.
I sat with one of the people I shared such a conversation with recently, and she mentioned to me that she could see the value of our conversation at work in the very moment that we sat in together. We sat there in a crowded room and marveled at how we loved and appreciated every person in the room just a little more in light of our conversation just a few nights ago. These kinds of conversations help to soften our hearts and strengthen our character. We are better off for that, and those who will cross paths with us are better off for it as well.