At the start of the year, I sat down with pen to paper and enumerated a list of goals, and then a bucket list for 2022. As the year comes to a close, I look over that list with a hint of satisfaction and a much greater dose of almost-sadness. There are far more to-dos than done items on each list. I am tempted to give in to the sense of disappointment that comes with those stats (and with being an enneagram 1), but I am learning to leave room for grace and to appreciate every small victory.
When I made that list I was working on a degree in education. Since then I have successfully obtained said degree, secured employment at my first-choice school, and started attending grad school. At the time that I made my lists, grad school was not thought in my mind yet. This past semester I went after it full-time, alongside my first year of teaching.
I am learning a lot about these given pursuits respectively, but especially about myself, what matters to me, and what it means to plan and revise my goals in real-time.
If I had to name this chapter of my life within the last semester, it would be called I Have Regrets. I’m sure my situation is not unique, but here’s my cautionary tale in a sentence: Do not begin grad school during your first year of teaching. I’m not saying it’s impossible - I’m just letting you know it’s madness, especially in the post-covid world of primary education. I have never been more tired and felt less ____________ (insert positive feeling here).
Despite my regrets, I am grateful for this season. I love my students, I have a wonderful cohort, and the most understanding professors and faculty imaginable, and if first-year teaching is trial by fire (trust me, it is), then by golly I’m going to be pure gold by the end of all this. My family has been incredibly supportive, and my friends have stood by me.
That said, I think every person who’s been in my corner this semester would agree, that it’s okay to slow down. Between uncontrollable circumstances and youthful mistakes, I took the scenic route to get to where I am, and now I have this desire to gun it the rest of the way to where I hope to go. Gunning it will only get you so far before you run out of gas or find yourself spinning your wheels in the mud. I see that now.
I recently sat down with a young friend of mine whom I taught in youth group for some time. She mirrored a question I had asked her: what has God been teaching you? I had to think about that, and I’ve been mulling it over since. I think one thing God is showing me - or rather has continued to show me is my need for grace and my need to depend on Him. The lesson is not only for dependence to do hard things, but dependence to trust in His timing.
I see that need in my work and in my academic pursuits, but it goes so much further. Life being what it is for us all, I dealt with (or maybe lived through) some hard things in my personal life this year. I think I’ll be recovering from those things for some time, but I need to rely on Him all the while, and trust in His timing.
So I’m making revisions. I’m slowing down and living more fully. I’m letting go of the gas pedal and holding onto what is most important in the coming year. I’m regarding my plans as hopes and waiting on God’s timing.