About this time last year, I decided that the overarching theme for my resolutions would be “invitation.” I was resolved to accept every invitation that the year had to offer, and furthermore to seek out those invitations that I had failed to notice in the past. I don't know if I'd say I had a 100% success rate in carrying out that resolution, but certainly, I did accept some invitations that had various levels of impact on my life - from work to church to an admittedly small number of new relationships. I tried new things with new people, which was all kinds of wonderful.
Still, there was a lot that remained untried. I toyed with the idea of a tattoo all year long, but I never did make it happen. I kept my songs to myself, even though there was a part of me that wanted to share them. I definitely didn’t dance enough. And last but not least - still no bae in 2017 . . .
I gave thought to what it is that I needed for this new year - a big idea to cover every possible goal and to build upon last year’s resolution. I have decided upon the idea of letting go.
This past year was no 2016, but it wasn’t exactly a walk in the park either. As I saw one person write, "The highs were really high and the lows were really low." I think sometimes the lows carried on beyond their time because I have a way of holding onto them. Deep down, I know better - what’s done is done, and it is best to keep moving forward. Even so, it is easy to let myself be weighed down by all the things I cannot change, and by adverse thoughts and feelings.
I remember the first time I heard the lyrics to Linkin Park’s “Heavy”, it immediately resonated with me.
“I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?”
If I just let go, I’d be set free - what an idea. I thought about all the things that I was holding onto - disappointment, failure, fear, inhibition - it was a long list. How much richer would my life be if I could let it all go?
More than these internal things, there were external factors in my life that I may have needed to let go of. The first to come to mind was relationships. I found myself so determined to try to hold onto relationships that simply were not going anywhere. How many times should I reach out to an old friend before I decided to simply be free of them? Why in the world did I have 1,220 facebook friends? Was it time for me purge my facebook account and get down to the few people who actually cared about me? It probably was (or is rather), but at this point, my facebook friends are like sitcom characters - I’ve been watching their lives for so long and I’m invested in their stories. Just as I needed to watch less television and be more active, I know that I need to invest more time in actual relationships than in the ones I watch from behind a screen. Upon determining this, I made it my mission to do just that in this last year.
Funny enough, I found that my new and old relationships were intersecting in odd ways. I would learn that a new friend shared an old mutual friend. I ran into old friends while hanging out with new ones (which made me seem a lot cooler than I probably am - like the sort of person who knows everyone). The timing of it all showed me that letting go in relationships does not have to mean saying goodbye. People come in and out our lives at the appointed time. This was a constant reminder of God’s sovereignty.
Every gospel-grown churchgoer is familiar with the saying “Let go, and let God”. Likewise, every Christian knows that this is easier said than done. I wonder how many of my lows might have been highs (or at less low lows) if I had let the circumstances go and left the rest to God. I can be real enough to say that I am a high-functioning control freak, which makes being a person hard, and being a Christian even harder. I think I need to get to the point where I can truly let go this year.
Sometimes my thoughts are so disjointed. Here’s a tidy little picture of what I hope to see in 2018:
Me letting go of thoughts and emotions that weigh me down or hold me back
Me letting go of one-sided relationships and trusting God to bring all the right people into my life at the right time
Me letting go of my charade of control and trusting God to work all things out for my good
Natasha Bedingfield's “Weightless” captures the picture of what I want for this year:
“The sky is the limit and I just want to float
Free as a spirit on a journey of hope
Cut the strings and let me go
I’m weightless
I’m weightless
Millions of balloons tethered to the ground
Weight of the world tries to hold us down
Cut the strings and let me go
I’m weightless
I’m weightless”
In a word, this year I want to be weightless