Someone told me today that I had lost my spark. It was a sad and hard truth to hear, but not one that I was entirely unaware of. I guess if you turn out a light, you can't expect that you're the only one who will notice the darkness you leave behind. The thing is, I have felt like a single teeny tiny light in a room full of brightly burning bulbs. And though I did not lose my spark on purpose (I don't suppose that anybody does), I did not really figure that anyone else noticed. I've been thinking about this a lot since that conversation, and I've had to consider a number of other factors as well.
I confessed only slightly in jest this past week, that I had started to tire of hearing other people's good news. I want to say that I'm always only ever happy for others, but sometimes I'm just a bit caught up in wondering when I will have my own amazing news to share.
Conversations and internal reflections have got me to thinking that I'm not particularly good at anything. I can do a number of things well enough, but nothing exceptionally. To be burdened with such normality is dejecting. I get weighed down and I've stayed down like a stone without the ability to pick myself up.
In discussing my lost spark and my thoughts and feelings concerning how ordinary I am, a wise person asked me how I had come to be where I am (as far as success in my job) if I had no particular talent. It was a great question, and my answer was (and still is) "hard work".
There is a belief many carry in the idea that with hard work you can do anything and get anywhere. There may have been a time when I shared that belief, but now I am unsure. I have worked, and still I work hard, harder than people can see or anyone knows, and I'm still not where I want to be. I think I've gradually worked less hard as I've lost my belief in the power of hard work. It seems that what I need is either a stroke of genius or a stroke of luck, and I'm nowhere near getting either of those.
Anyhow, this is not a sob story. This is me thinking out loud on my blog. Maybe these thoughts are better kept in my head, but for whatever reason I feel inclined to share them. Maybe I'll regret that later, but as of right now I think not. Besides, I don't know of anyone other than my sister who actually reads my blog. Shout out to you K.
I want to get my spark back. Regardless of how tired I am, and how hard I feel like I work, I need to get that spark back, because maybe that is the thing I have - not a talent or a special skill, no particular gift, just a spark.
I'm shooting for spark status that looks like this:
image via designboom